Fifteen months ago my world was changed. I had been self-confidently going along in my pride, thinking that I knew the right way to raise a family, the right way to respond to people who did things differently. I couldn't believe that some people didn't "get it". But I am learning just how wrong I was- I was the one who didn't "get it".
My world was changed when I started having seizures. The first few were just small things, I would feel really tired, lay down on the couch, and not be able to speak for a few minutes. I didn't know what it was, but figured I should probably go to the dr. about it sometime. Then the day after Christmas 2011, I had a grand mal seizure. I was taken to the ER in an ambulance, kept overnight for tests (where they found nothing), and sent home. I kept feeling bad- stomach aches and extreme fatigue, and I kept having the small seizures. Then in February 2012 I had two grand mal seizures in a row on the same day. After another ambulance ride and overnight stay at the hospital, the neurologist gave me some anti-seizure medicine and said most of the time they never figure out why adults have seizures, he diagnosed me with epilepsy and said I would have to stay on the anti-seizure meds the rest of my life.
Everything that I had been good at before I could hardly do anymore. Organizational skills used to be something I could handle easily, and I would always do the bookwork for our business, but now I couldn't even remember where to start. As a result of the seizures, I couldn't remember much of anything from the last 6 months, and as a result of the anti-seizure medicine, I couldn't think clearly. It was terrible. I couldn't even remember how to play piano. I was so scared of having another seizure. I would lay in bed, reciting this verse over and over to myself.
I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
I had been homeschooling our children for the last five years, so you can imagine how difficult that was for me now. We basically just did reading and math last spring, it was all I could do. Homeschooling our children was something I was convinced was the only way we would ever educate them. I couldn't believe Christians would be willing to send their kids to public school where they would have so many bad influences. (sigh).
God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.
1 Peter 5:5
God was humbling me big time. He put me in a position where I could no longer homeschool our kids. Private Christian school was too expensive, so our only option was public school. God put me in a place where I had no choice. All the things I had taken pride in, all my abilities, were gone. I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be, I was tired almost all the time- so tired I could only lay around. I had days where I was so weak I couldn't even push the shopping cart through the grocery store. It was so hard. Some days I felt like I was probably dying. I didn't want to die, I have a family to take care of.
Thankfully, a lady at church told me about a holistic doctor, who helps people who have had seizures figure out the cause. So I started going to him about a year ago. He has helped me tremendously, I was able to go off the anti-seizure medicine that made me feel so stupid, and will soon be totally better. He found lots of issues in my digestive system that were the cause of the seizures. I am so glad to have found him. I still feel weak though. I don't handle stress as well as I used to be able to. There are lingering effects from it all. That's why this verse was so special to me this morning.
But he said to me,
"My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9
Sometimes I feel so ashamed of my old prideful attitudes. Our kids are doing so well in public school this year. Yes, there are bad influences there, but there are bad influences in the whole world. They are learning how to handle those influences. They are learning how to relate to people who are different from them, who look at life differently than they do. All very valuable lessons. Our school district has some great teachers, and our kids have done very well under them. God has taught me so much over these last 15 months, and I don't ever want to forget it. I am so very thankful for God's grace. The Christian life is not about having all the answers, it's not about knowing the right way to do things and looking down on everyone who does things differently. It's all about Jesus- He gives us more grace, even when I still don't "get it".